Send in the Clones
May. 19th, 2002 12:49 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
khaosworksOkay, so I came back from Episode II.
It didn't entirely suck. It was better than "Phantom Menace", but that's like saying John Tesh is better than David Hasselhoff and... okay, let's not even start going there. Bad example.
I think the main thing that made it better than Episode I for me is that Lucas didn't try to introduce anything really new into the mythos. No midichlorians, no immaculate conception for Anakin, no other weird shit that would make Star Wars geeks go "Huh?" That being said, Lucas cannot write romantic dialogue to save his life, and I could really have done with as little of the love story as possible. The rest of the movie was action, action, action all the way, and that saved a lot of the gaping plot holes and non-sequitors. Even Palpatine's scheme was subtle (by Lucas standards), and it wasn't apparent he was playing puppet master to both sides until Obi-Wan got to the planet they were building the droid army on.
Also, finally, Jar-Jar has a purpose besides annoying the fuck out of me. Palpatine needed a patsy, a dupe, an idiot to put the whole plan in motion, and obviously Senator Jar-Jar fit the bill perfectly, as he has all the brain capacity of a midichlorian. See? I can make jokes about it. The healing can begin.
The effects were glorious, and I particularly liked the design of those cloners. Very slick work by ILM. However, there was too much Blade Runner in the Coruscant scenes - the billboards, and where it really stuck out was when they flew by that post-industrial wasteland with pits of fire spewing upward.
But here's where Lucas' brain damage jars me out of the suspension of disbelief. What is this crud about an elected Queen of Naboo? How the hell does a 14-year-old get elected as the Queen of a whole planet, and this being an executive and not ceremonial role? And why is she so important in the Senate aside from looking really, really good in a white, midriff-revealing, tight... leotard... and... and... um, excuse me just a minute...
Okay, I'm back. Also, obviously astrophysics isn't a required course at the Jedi Academy because if you see the gravitational effect of a planet on surrounding stars - dude, it's fucking there even if the maps tell you otherwise. Why does Yoda waste his strength pulling on the pillar about to fall on the hapless Laurel and Hardy of the Jedi crowd (Anakin and Obi-Wan) when he could just Force Push the two of them out from under the falling pillar?
Speaking of Yoda, the little green imp was kick ass and stole the entire show, even though they've yet to write a real Jedi fight with Force powers the way they should be written. Episode I was an improvement and showed what a real wimp of a Jedi Luke was, but they haven't exploited the full potential of using the Force in a combat savvy way. Hell, I did better when I was playing Jedi Knight II: Jedi Outcast.
I also guess since Dooku didn't bite it, they've signed up Christopher Lee for Episode III. On the other hand, Yoda's line of padawans seems particularly susceptible to the Dark Side - you have Dooku who trained Qui-Gon, who trained Obi-Wan - then Anakin, who turned also. If that pattern goes on, Luke's padawan better watch out for his apprentice.
More random thoughts:
Fashion sense is hereditary in the Star Wars universe, I see, with both Leia and Amidala having the same kinds of outfits and hairstyles. To be complete, I demand Natalie Portman put on the slave-girl outfit.
Hayden Christiansen as Anakin is a punk, pure and simple. Greatest of all Jedi, indeed. He's a punk in a leather gi. Again, members of the Skywalker family seem to have trouble hanging on to their limbs.
So Uncle Owen was Anakin's stepbrother. So the fan theory of him being Obi-Wan's brother goes out the window. Speaking of Obi-Wan, Ewan McGregor's performance gets further and further away from Sir Alec Guiness's - any further away we'd be talking Earth orbit.
Okay, I'm convinced Lucas, or someone in Lucasarts is an anti-Semite. Jesus God, could Watto look any more like a caricature of a Jewish merchant, complete with hat and beard?
Every time an action sequence rolled through the screen I was thinking how it would work for the inevitable side-scroller or FPS video game. Merchandising, thy name is Lucasfilm.
Awww, L'il Jedis!
It didn't entirely suck. It was better than "Phantom Menace", but that's like saying John Tesh is better than David Hasselhoff and... okay, let's not even start going there. Bad example.
I think the main thing that made it better than Episode I for me is that Lucas didn't try to introduce anything really new into the mythos. No midichlorians, no immaculate conception for Anakin, no other weird shit that would make Star Wars geeks go "Huh?" That being said, Lucas cannot write romantic dialogue to save his life, and I could really have done with as little of the love story as possible. The rest of the movie was action, action, action all the way, and that saved a lot of the gaping plot holes and non-sequitors. Even Palpatine's scheme was subtle (by Lucas standards), and it wasn't apparent he was playing puppet master to both sides until Obi-Wan got to the planet they were building the droid army on.
Also, finally, Jar-Jar has a purpose besides annoying the fuck out of me. Palpatine needed a patsy, a dupe, an idiot to put the whole plan in motion, and obviously Senator Jar-Jar fit the bill perfectly, as he has all the brain capacity of a midichlorian. See? I can make jokes about it. The healing can begin.
The effects were glorious, and I particularly liked the design of those cloners. Very slick work by ILM. However, there was too much Blade Runner in the Coruscant scenes - the billboards, and where it really stuck out was when they flew by that post-industrial wasteland with pits of fire spewing upward.
But here's where Lucas' brain damage jars me out of the suspension of disbelief. What is this crud about an elected Queen of Naboo? How the hell does a 14-year-old get elected as the Queen of a whole planet, and this being an executive and not ceremonial role? And why is she so important in the Senate aside from looking really, really good in a white, midriff-revealing, tight... leotard... and... and... um, excuse me just a minute...
Okay, I'm back. Also, obviously astrophysics isn't a required course at the Jedi Academy because if you see the gravitational effect of a planet on surrounding stars - dude, it's fucking there even if the maps tell you otherwise. Why does Yoda waste his strength pulling on the pillar about to fall on the hapless Laurel and Hardy of the Jedi crowd (Anakin and Obi-Wan) when he could just Force Push the two of them out from under the falling pillar?
Speaking of Yoda, the little green imp was kick ass and stole the entire show, even though they've yet to write a real Jedi fight with Force powers the way they should be written. Episode I was an improvement and showed what a real wimp of a Jedi Luke was, but they haven't exploited the full potential of using the Force in a combat savvy way. Hell, I did better when I was playing Jedi Knight II: Jedi Outcast.
I also guess since Dooku didn't bite it, they've signed up Christopher Lee for Episode III. On the other hand, Yoda's line of padawans seems particularly susceptible to the Dark Side - you have Dooku who trained Qui-Gon, who trained Obi-Wan - then Anakin, who turned also. If that pattern goes on, Luke's padawan better watch out for his apprentice.
More random thoughts:
Fashion sense is hereditary in the Star Wars universe, I see, with both Leia and Amidala having the same kinds of outfits and hairstyles. To be complete, I demand Natalie Portman put on the slave-girl outfit.
Hayden Christiansen as Anakin is a punk, pure and simple. Greatest of all Jedi, indeed. He's a punk in a leather gi. Again, members of the Skywalker family seem to have trouble hanging on to their limbs.
So Uncle Owen was Anakin's stepbrother. So the fan theory of him being Obi-Wan's brother goes out the window. Speaking of Obi-Wan, Ewan McGregor's performance gets further and further away from Sir Alec Guiness's - any further away we'd be talking Earth orbit.
Okay, I'm convinced Lucas, or someone in Lucasarts is an anti-Semite. Jesus God, could Watto look any more like a caricature of a Jewish merchant, complete with hat and beard?
Every time an action sequence rolled through the screen I was thinking how it would work for the inevitable side-scroller or FPS video game. Merchandising, thy name is Lucasfilm.
Awww, L'il Jedis!
