khaosworks | The Matrix Redundant (Reply)

Just came back from the Matrix Reloaded.

I was actually bored. I swear, I was nodding off during the fight scenes.

For the Singaporeans who understand this wail of despair, I came out of the cinema shaking my head and going, "Wah lau... wah lau eh..." over and over again.

This wasn't a movie. It was a badly written computer game.

A few days previous, I played the first couple of levels of the Enter the Matrix game. I got bored pretty fast, too. It was basically running around hitting and shooting people and doing kewl moves with Bullet Time for no apparent reason. I thought a scary thought: what if the movie was like this?

It was.

There. Is. No. Plot. There are only excuses for kung foo mixed with rhythmic music. I say this again, I actually fell asleep during the Burly Brawl - you know, the 3,001 Smiths attacking. Characters also did things for no fucking reason. Why is the Merovingian interested in sex if he's a computer program? What was the point of Seraph fighting Neo - why couldn't he just open the goddamn door? How did Smith gain access to the back door portals? Were the programs and the Agents working together? Why is Persephone such a cheap date? Why did the Agents want to kill - uh, delete - the Keymaster? And the Demiurge - uh Architect. Who uses "assiduously" in a sentence anymore? Where do the Gatekeeper, Gozer and Zuul factor into this? Okay, maybe not the last one.

What, indeed, was the whole fucking point? Make up your mind, guys. Are you doing the Gnostic Tango, or do you want Greek myth symbology as well? So if Persephone is the Greek Persephone, the Merovingian must be Hades. So what? Where did all that go? Nowhere.

So Zion is created to give the 1 percent of people who don't accept the Matrix something to do. Why? Why not just kill that 1 percent? Why go through all the trouble? You got batteries who don't want to cooperate? Throw. The. Batteries. Away.

I. Hate. It. When. Characters. Talk. Like. This. To. Emphasise. That. They. Are. Saying. Something. Very. Important.

Maybe the programs' complete lack of motivation for their inane actions was a subtle way of talking about determinism - you know, their purpose being solely to guide Neo to his encounter with the Architect. Maybe. It's still inane. And boring.

Good Lord, Morpheus. I know why Niobe broke up with you. You can't stop fucking talking. You don't even make sense anymore. I was actually rooting for the Agent to kill you just to stop you talking. I was hoping Niobe was going to kick you in the balls or shoot you in the head during that interminable speech about the cause being worth dying for. Yeah, but it's not worth listening to you explode my brain with boredom for, asshole.

The local Board of Film Censors cut the orgy/sex scene down to half its reported length. I have never been so grateful for the censors before. I can't imagine how boring it would have been if I had seen the full-length version. I'd have probably slit my wrists.

Don't tell me it's a middle movie. I've seen middle movies. Even middle movies have to have a plot. Empire Strikes Back had a plot. Two Towers had a plot. X2, hallelujah, had a plot. Even Back to the Future II, as flimsy as it was, had a plot. You advance the plot, you raise questions, tie up those questions, and leave a couple of loose ends for the sequel. This is permitted. This movie answered nothing. At least nothing coherent.This ended with a Star Trek season cliffhanger. It pissed me off.

I think I lost interest after Trinity got shot in the first five minutes and Neo woke up. It was downhill from there.

Is it just me, or does the guy who plays Link look like Chris Rock? I know it isn't him, but it looks like they could be brothers.

I came, I saw, I snored. Don't tell me it's deep. It's not deep. It's a bunch of mismatched pieces of cod philosophy and theology mixed together and name dropped in an attempt to make it sound deep. It's bollocks. It's psuedo-intellectual wankery. And I gave that up a long time ago for the sake of my sight.

I can't believe it was two and a half hours of my life I'll never get back again. I demand my money back. Okay,