Excavating the past
Nov. 26th, 2001 08:14 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
khaosworksSo I'm cleaning out Cassandra's hard drive, getting rid of all the stuff that I don't need on her (and besides, it's all backed up on Mike anyway).
(note for those who came in late: Cassandra's the PowerBook G4. Mike's the B&W PowerMac G3.)
Anyway, I come across a directory of old diary entries I did when I was in my first year of law school in London. I'm not entirely sure what to make of them. I was quite angst filled for a 21-year-old and a lot of it is dealing with crushes on fellow students, homesickness in the early months, oh god why can't I get a date, being in awe of London, amused by my lecturers, why oh why am I still single, living on my own, christ why are all the women turning me down (see a pattern developing here)...
Plus ca change, plus c'est la meme chose, he said, being fucking pretentious about it.
Lots of nice blackmail material here, though, for some of my contemporaries who are now out there in the real world and/or married. I realize that I was a lot more open in those journal entries than I am now as well, revealing a lot more of my insecurities and flaws. Maybe I am self-censoring despite all my conscious efforts to the contrary due to the semi-public nature of this forum, all things considered. Damn this Asian reservedness. I'm not all that together, really. I'm a seething mass of neuroses, I swear. Certifiable. Lock me away!
Is it bad looking back on old journal entries? Only if you let your mind dwell on what-ifs, I think. No, not even then - alternative histories are fun things to think about. It's when you start regretting the reality you're in that you've got a problem. Regret's the real killer.
The journal entries stop in June of 1992, ten months after I started writing it. I'm not sure why. I think I just lost energy, or things to write about. This was when I was basically alone during the summer while the rest of the people I hung out with were away. The last few entries also detail my desire to try to turn a long-time friendship into something more. Um, less said about that disaster the better.
That was me. Master of the emotional belly-flop. Still am.
(note for those who came in late: Cassandra's the PowerBook G4. Mike's the B&W PowerMac G3.)
Anyway, I come across a directory of old diary entries I did when I was in my first year of law school in London. I'm not entirely sure what to make of them. I was quite angst filled for a 21-year-old and a lot of it is dealing with crushes on fellow students, homesickness in the early months, oh god why can't I get a date, being in awe of London, amused by my lecturers, why oh why am I still single, living on my own, christ why are all the women turning me down (see a pattern developing here)...
Plus ca change, plus c'est la meme chose, he said, being fucking pretentious about it.
Lots of nice blackmail material here, though, for some of my contemporaries who are now out there in the real world and/or married. I realize that I was a lot more open in those journal entries than I am now as well, revealing a lot more of my insecurities and flaws. Maybe I am self-censoring despite all my conscious efforts to the contrary due to the semi-public nature of this forum, all things considered. Damn this Asian reservedness. I'm not all that together, really. I'm a seething mass of neuroses, I swear. Certifiable. Lock me away!
Is it bad looking back on old journal entries? Only if you let your mind dwell on what-ifs, I think. No, not even then - alternative histories are fun things to think about. It's when you start regretting the reality you're in that you've got a problem. Regret's the real killer.
The journal entries stop in June of 1992, ten months after I started writing it. I'm not sure why. I think I just lost energy, or things to write about. This was when I was basically alone during the summer while the rest of the people I hung out with were away. The last few entries also detail my desire to try to turn a long-time friendship into something more. Um, less said about that disaster the better.
That was me. Master of the emotional belly-flop. Still am.
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no subject
Date: 2001-11-26 05:09 am (UTC)Well, at least you were telling yourself the truth.
Date: 2001-11-26 10:54 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2001-11-26 09:01 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2001-11-27 03:14 am (UTC)just started typing into a word document and kept right on going. kept it on a floppy disk and transported from home pc to work pc.
now no longer on floppy as it is 2.4mb.
do i reread it - sometimes. do I cringe. not really. I'm pretty clinical about it. damn, sometimes I bore myself to pieces - very adrian mole'ish. e.g. today very stressful, markets going crazy, watched movie with pals afterwards, johny mnemonic is a crap, short story is better, etc etc etc