khaosworks | Save me

Dear Mr President,

I have been informed that soon we will be having a National Protection from Pornography Week. While I appreciate yet again the irony of the Republican Party expanding federal influence into parts of my personal life that it has no business interfering in and at the same time decrying the expansion of "big government" under Democratic administrations, I cannot help but think that an already shaky administration would do well to focus its energies and overstretched budget on something slightly more important, like, say, National Let's Prosecute Rush Limbaugh Week.

I would try to produce studies that suggest pornography does not actually harm anyone, so nobody really needs protection from it, or even submit that it falls under the ambit of the First Amendment, but that would be missing the point. In the words of Tom Lehrer, "Dirty books are fun and that's all there is to it." Perhaps National No Fun Week would be a better, more efficient approach, as it takes care of everything from pornography to spelling dirty words in alphabet soup to making fun of neo-conservatives to the Daily Show, the last of which must cause you no small distress.

Be that as it may, I am not seriously suggesting the above, or any further campaigns. I really don't feel that I need to be protected from pornography, gay marriage, or anything else major except for the occasional terrorist threat or perhaps Bill O'Reilly - which may amount to the same thing. In addition, I do not need to be protected from Mountain Dew, comic books (except those penned by Bill Jemas), Rice Chex, cajun cuisine, code-free DVD players, homeless shelters, baseball, bars where everybody knows your name, environmental protection regulations, Molly Ivins, hand-knitted apparel, condoms, affordable health care and performance khakis. However, you may want to turn your attention to the following threats to the American way of life:

Telemarketers
Elvis impersonators
Infommercials
Too much MSG in Chinese takeout
FOX News
The New York Yankees
Silence in undergraduate discussion groups
Autons
Sororoties
Robot invaders from Planet X
US versions of British sitcoms
Jim Carrey
Mold
The Proud Family
The guy who sits next to you on the bus and doesn't bathe
Enterprise
Grey aliens from Zeta Reticuli
Reality TV
~~Grady Little~~
Broccoli
Furries
North Korea
Donald Rumsfeld
The Kobe Bryant trial
The RIAA
Pronouncing it "nu-ku-lear"
Vampire: the LARPers
eBay snipers

This should be enough for a start. Once you get rid of these, let me know and I'll suggest some further improvements, like the abolition of cronyism in awarding huge reconstruction contracts to those who contributed the most monetarily to an election campaign. This should be enough to distract your attention until they forcibly remove you from office next November.

Or you could just masturbate and be done with it.

Hugs and kisses,

Moi.