A Halloween Story

When I was in the Army (1988-1991), I did my basic training on an island off the East Coast of Singapore, known as Pulau Tekong, at the Infantry Training Depot. Back then, Camp III was the modern, apartment block one, while Camp I was still barrack style. I was assigned to Alpha Company, Platoon 4, which was across from older, multi-storey barracks that housed the NCOs.

A running path wound its way through the camp, which dated back to World War II and the Japanese Occupation. One of our corporals told us this story, back when he too was a recruit living in the same bunk.

He had been told that during certain nights, the sound of marching soldiers could be heard in the middle of the night when no exercises were being held. Also, occasionally, going past Platoon 4's building, could be heard the sound of running, a girl crying, and the sound of dogs barking, as if they were chasing her.

One night, he was lying in his bed, when he was awakened by a sound, like chains jangling. Remembering the story he had been told, he was terrified, and closed his eyes tightly. The sound of jangling grew louder, then faded away, and he relaxed slightly. But then... another sound took its place, a sound he couldn't quite identify, except by describing the sound itself.

Plop. Schlllllp. Plop. Schlllllp. Jangle. Plop. Schllllp. Jangle. Plop. Schlllllp.

What unearthly noise was this? He had visions of some shambling mound of half-decomposed flesh, moving its carcass along, chains dragging behind him. His heart was beating hard in his chest. He felt it hard to breathe. The sounds grew louder, as if approaching his bed. He was paralyzed with fear, tugging the blanket up around his chin, trying to inch beneath it, but trying not to make a move, as if any sign of movement would alert this supernatural presence to his existence and surely bring its horror to bear upon him.

Then the sound stopped. And the jangling started up again. And the creaking of hinges.

He opened his eyes. Turning to the guy who had been going to the bathroom and was now opening his locker with the keys hooked onto his shorts, he yelled:

"For fuck's sake, stop dragging your goddamn slippers, will you?"

Save me

Dear Mr President,

I have been informed that soon we will be having a National Protection from Pornography Week. While I appreciate yet again the irony of the Republican Party expanding federal influence into parts of my personal life that it has no business interfering in and at the same time decrying the expansion of "big government" under Democratic administrations, I cannot help but think that an already shaky administration would do well to focus its energies and overstretched budget on something slightly more important, like, say, National Let's Prosecute Rush Limbaugh Week.

I would try to produce studies that suggest pornography does not actually harm anyone, so nobody really needs protection from it, or even submit that it falls under the ambit of the First Amendment, but that would be missing the point. In the words of Tom Lehrer, "Dirty books are fun and that's all there is to it." Perhaps National No Fun Week would be a better, more efficient approach, as it takes care of everything from pornography to spelling dirty words in alphabet soup to making fun of neo-conservatives to the Daily Show, the last of which must cause you no small distress.

Be that as it may, I am not seriously suggesting the above, or any further campaigns. I really don't feel that I need to be protected from pornography, gay marriage, or anything else major except for the occasional terrorist threat or perhaps Bill O'Reilly - which may amount to the same thing. In addition, I do not need to be protected from Mountain Dew, comic books (except those penned by Bill Jemas), Rice Chex, cajun cuisine, code-free DVD players, homeless shelters, baseball, bars where everybody knows your name, environmental protection regulations, Molly Ivins, hand-knitted apparel, condoms, affordable health care and performance khakis. However, you may want to turn your attention to the following threats to the American way of life:

Telemarketers
Elvis impersonators
Infommercials
Too much MSG in Chinese takeout
FOX News
The New York Yankees
Silence in undergraduate discussion groups
Autons
Sororoties
Robot invaders from Planet X
US versions of British sitcoms
Jim Carrey
Mold
The Proud Family
The guy who sits next to you on the bus and doesn't bathe
Enterprise
Grey aliens from Zeta Reticuli
Reality TV
Grady Little
Broccoli
Furries
North Korea
Donald Rumsfeld
The Kobe Bryant trial
The RIAA
Pronouncing it "nu-ku-lear"
Vampire: the LARPers
eBay snipers

This should be enough for a start. Once you get rid of these, let me know and I'll suggest some further improvements, like the abolition of cronyism in awarding huge reconstruction contracts to those who contributed the most monetarily to an election campaign. This should be enough to distract your attention until they forcibly remove you from office next November.

Or you could just masturbate and be done with it.

Hugs and kisses,

Moi.

For swearing and some disturbing content...

... and not for sexual content, definitely.


My life is rated R.
What is your life rated?

NEW SONG: Bad Timing

( Find the two obvious literary references! )