The last snark
May. 16th, 2005 07:18 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
khaosworksThese Are The Voyages...
So, I watched the finale of Enterprise.
Long time readers of this journal will remember a time when I was actually watching this abortion of a show - I lasted through the first season and a little bit of the second, making fun of it most of the way until it simply was no longer even amusing to make fun of it anymore, and even Linda Park was not enough to keep me watching the chicken vomit that was spewing out from the pens of Berman and Braga (or Bermaga as we called them).
So when I heard Enterprise was nearing its end, I was not so much happy as simply relieved that fans of a franchise that I once loved (and to some extent still do) were showing a sense of taste and no longer supporting a travesty of bad fan fiction making worse television writing.
When I heard that the finale was going to feature Jonathan Frakes and Marina Sirtis, I frankly was not surprised at the stunt casting. Rumours abounded, from the idea that the whole four years was a holodeck hallucination (appealing but, as the equivalent of Bobby stepping out of the shower, eye-rollingly stupid) to time travel. Well, it turns out that Frakes and Sirtis show up as Riker and Troi, but in a B-story that takes place during the events of the 7th Season TNG episode, "The Pegasus". In that story, Riker has a crisis of conscience and for some reason he thinks that watching the last voyage of the NX-01 will help him.
How, I don't fucking know, because really, everything that Riker sees boils down to people saying that they are confident they will make the right decision. And the really vital conversation, with Trip, about loyalty to those who deserve it, takes up all of two minutes of dialogue - and it takes place out of sequence with the rest of the episode.
And for this, the producers liberally sprinkled shots of the Enterprise-D, of Ten Forward, Frakes and Sirtis looking really visibly aged (Season 7b, anyone?... little Doctor Who in-joke there), the voice of Brent Spiner and a throwaway mention of Reg Barclay. And for what? It was unnecessary to the plot, it broke up the story for no good reason, and for fuck's sake, people... if this is going to be a finale for Enterprise, why the hell should TNG be there in the first place?
And all this in 42 minutes. A series finale, for all that's holy, and it only deserves a pathetic 42 minutes, 15 of which is taken up by TNG characters swanning about grinning like it's their first paying job in 10 years aside from hosting bad paranormal shows like "Beyond Belief". Not that the Enterprise characters were all that hot to begin with, but they deserve better than that.
This was one of the most frustrating episodes of Enterprise I ever watched. Not because it was badly written (which it wasn't - it was simply mediocre, like many Enterprise episodes) but because it could have been so much better, and it was ruined by the hamfisted introduction of masturbatory elements which only drew attention to the fact the Bermaga had been feasting on the rotting corpses of previous Trek series for the last four years.
Consider. It's 6 years later. We get the NX-01 heading back to Earth for the signing of the charter for the interstellar alliance that will become the mighty Federation. Archer's trying to come up with a speech that will not sound like he's taking credit for it. He works on this for most of the episode, talking to various people about it, saying he's finally got it, and he steps out to make this amazing, historic speech (which Deanna says she had to memorize in grade school so it has to have some significance)... and. We. Never. Get. To. Hear It.
Why? Because Riker decides he doesn't need to since he's gotten what he needs from the simulation. Because the episode was all about him, of course, not the NX-01 crew. Not to put too fine a point on it, it's a cocktease of galactic proportions, and I can only conclude that the reason why we never got to hear it is because Bermaga knew that if they tried to write this amazing speech we would see yet another example of how fucking pathetic their writing skills are.
Even the episode's central plot twist, which is the death of Trip, is actually told to us by Riker and Troi at the end of Act One. Not that this episode is all that suspenseful, but to suck the last vestiges out of it, and to have that done by the TNG interlopers, is yet another slap in the face of the Enterprise crew. No wonder the cast slagged off the finale after they saw the final edit of this elephantine piece of excrement.
And I say again: They deserved better. Because for all the fault of the show, I don't blame any of the actors. Okay, I blame a couple, like Mayweather (better known as Ensign "I won't get a line unless I die in this episode"), but for the most part, I know people like Bakula can act. Even Jolene Blalock has improved since she got off the weed she used to be smoking. The sad part is, that looking at their performances, the cast is meshing so much better now, and the characterisation seems less stilted and everything on the whole is a lot more relaxed and comfortable.
But Trip's death is pointless and stupid and involves the character also acting pointless and stupid. T'Pol still acts way too emotional for a Vulcan. Hoshi barely gets any lines, as does Maywho, Reed, and Phlox. And Bermaga seem to think that they can make up for this travesty by flashing us pictures of the Enterprise-D, the TOS Enterprise and the NX-01 at the end, mixing Patrick Stewart's narration of the opening prologue with William Shatner and Scott Bakula, thinking that the very sight of the NCC-1701 will make our collective fanboy panties moist and we'll forgive all as we come screaming out Roddenberry's name.
Okay, I apologize for that image. Sorry. Forget I said that. Here, have some Lysol.
But you get my point. Bermaga allegedly intended this as a "valentine" to the fans. It is, if your definition of "valentine" includes driving red-hot and rusty six-inch spikes into the throbbing living brains of your intended with a sledgehammer and then kneeing them in the crotch.
I hated this episode. I hated it with a passion I normally only reserve for serial killers, Waffen SS concentration camp wardens and the occasional neoconservative. I wanted to drag Bermaga from their corporate parapets, throw them to a rabid pack of wolves and then parade their dismembered cadavers through the streets, allowing people to spit on each piece as they pass by. This wasn't even a decent wake. This was them jerking off over a bum who has collapsed because there's no blood in his alcohol content and he's too weak to stand anymore, and winking at us in the vainglorious assumption that we like that sort of thing.
The horror. The horror.
Never let these two men near anything I have the vaguest affection for ever again.
In conclusion, let me say this. Star Trek is not a dead concept. The humanistic view of the future, as culturally imperialistic as it is, has always been relevant, especially since now the world is full of culture wars as much as real ones. As a platform for the big messages, it can still work as long as it tries to tell good stories instead of disappearing up the Asshole of ContinuityTM. I have no doubt that someday, Trek will be worth watching again, and if a new series comes along, I will glady give them a chance to convince me that they have the ability to tell a decent tale.
Until then, may it rest in peace for a while. Not dead, but merely sleeping. And hopefully dreaming new dreams for the future.
So, I watched the finale of Enterprise.
Long time readers of this journal will remember a time when I was actually watching this abortion of a show - I lasted through the first season and a little bit of the second, making fun of it most of the way until it simply was no longer even amusing to make fun of it anymore, and even Linda Park was not enough to keep me watching the chicken vomit that was spewing out from the pens of Berman and Braga (or Bermaga as we called them).
So when I heard Enterprise was nearing its end, I was not so much happy as simply relieved that fans of a franchise that I once loved (and to some extent still do) were showing a sense of taste and no longer supporting a travesty of bad fan fiction making worse television writing.
When I heard that the finale was going to feature Jonathan Frakes and Marina Sirtis, I frankly was not surprised at the stunt casting. Rumours abounded, from the idea that the whole four years was a holodeck hallucination (appealing but, as the equivalent of Bobby stepping out of the shower, eye-rollingly stupid) to time travel. Well, it turns out that Frakes and Sirtis show up as Riker and Troi, but in a B-story that takes place during the events of the 7th Season TNG episode, "The Pegasus". In that story, Riker has a crisis of conscience and for some reason he thinks that watching the last voyage of the NX-01 will help him.
How, I don't fucking know, because really, everything that Riker sees boils down to people saying that they are confident they will make the right decision. And the really vital conversation, with Trip, about loyalty to those who deserve it, takes up all of two minutes of dialogue - and it takes place out of sequence with the rest of the episode.
And for this, the producers liberally sprinkled shots of the Enterprise-D, of Ten Forward, Frakes and Sirtis looking really visibly aged (Season 7b, anyone?... little Doctor Who in-joke there), the voice of Brent Spiner and a throwaway mention of Reg Barclay. And for what? It was unnecessary to the plot, it broke up the story for no good reason, and for fuck's sake, people... if this is going to be a finale for Enterprise, why the hell should TNG be there in the first place?
And all this in 42 minutes. A series finale, for all that's holy, and it only deserves a pathetic 42 minutes, 15 of which is taken up by TNG characters swanning about grinning like it's their first paying job in 10 years aside from hosting bad paranormal shows like "Beyond Belief". Not that the Enterprise characters were all that hot to begin with, but they deserve better than that.
This was one of the most frustrating episodes of Enterprise I ever watched. Not because it was badly written (which it wasn't - it was simply mediocre, like many Enterprise episodes) but because it could have been so much better, and it was ruined by the hamfisted introduction of masturbatory elements which only drew attention to the fact the Bermaga had been feasting on the rotting corpses of previous Trek series for the last four years.
Consider. It's 6 years later. We get the NX-01 heading back to Earth for the signing of the charter for the interstellar alliance that will become the mighty Federation. Archer's trying to come up with a speech that will not sound like he's taking credit for it. He works on this for most of the episode, talking to various people about it, saying he's finally got it, and he steps out to make this amazing, historic speech (which Deanna says she had to memorize in grade school so it has to have some significance)... and. We. Never. Get. To. Hear It.
Why? Because Riker decides he doesn't need to since he's gotten what he needs from the simulation. Because the episode was all about him, of course, not the NX-01 crew. Not to put too fine a point on it, it's a cocktease of galactic proportions, and I can only conclude that the reason why we never got to hear it is because Bermaga knew that if they tried to write this amazing speech we would see yet another example of how fucking pathetic their writing skills are.
Even the episode's central plot twist, which is the death of Trip, is actually told to us by Riker and Troi at the end of Act One. Not that this episode is all that suspenseful, but to suck the last vestiges out of it, and to have that done by the TNG interlopers, is yet another slap in the face of the Enterprise crew. No wonder the cast slagged off the finale after they saw the final edit of this elephantine piece of excrement.
And I say again: They deserved better. Because for all the fault of the show, I don't blame any of the actors. Okay, I blame a couple, like Mayweather (better known as Ensign "I won't get a line unless I die in this episode"), but for the most part, I know people like Bakula can act. Even Jolene Blalock has improved since she got off the weed she used to be smoking. The sad part is, that looking at their performances, the cast is meshing so much better now, and the characterisation seems less stilted and everything on the whole is a lot more relaxed and comfortable.
But Trip's death is pointless and stupid and involves the character also acting pointless and stupid. T'Pol still acts way too emotional for a Vulcan. Hoshi barely gets any lines, as does Maywho, Reed, and Phlox. And Bermaga seem to think that they can make up for this travesty by flashing us pictures of the Enterprise-D, the TOS Enterprise and the NX-01 at the end, mixing Patrick Stewart's narration of the opening prologue with William Shatner and Scott Bakula, thinking that the very sight of the NCC-1701 will make our collective fanboy panties moist and we'll forgive all as we come screaming out Roddenberry's name.
Okay, I apologize for that image. Sorry. Forget I said that. Here, have some Lysol.
But you get my point. Bermaga allegedly intended this as a "valentine" to the fans. It is, if your definition of "valentine" includes driving red-hot and rusty six-inch spikes into the throbbing living brains of your intended with a sledgehammer and then kneeing them in the crotch.
I hated this episode. I hated it with a passion I normally only reserve for serial killers, Waffen SS concentration camp wardens and the occasional neoconservative. I wanted to drag Bermaga from their corporate parapets, throw them to a rabid pack of wolves and then parade their dismembered cadavers through the streets, allowing people to spit on each piece as they pass by. This wasn't even a decent wake. This was them jerking off over a bum who has collapsed because there's no blood in his alcohol content and he's too weak to stand anymore, and winking at us in the vainglorious assumption that we like that sort of thing.
The horror. The horror.
Never let these two men near anything I have the vaguest affection for ever again.
In conclusion, let me say this. Star Trek is not a dead concept. The humanistic view of the future, as culturally imperialistic as it is, has always been relevant, especially since now the world is full of culture wars as much as real ones. As a platform for the big messages, it can still work as long as it tries to tell good stories instead of disappearing up the Asshole of ContinuityTM. I have no doubt that someday, Trek will be worth watching again, and if a new series comes along, I will glady give them a chance to convince me that they have the ability to tell a decent tale.
Until then, may it rest in peace for a while. Not dead, but merely sleeping. And hopefully dreaming new dreams for the future.
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no subject
Date: 2005-05-16 12:58 pm (UTC)That sounds like the worst season end since BTVS' Chosen, which made me want to scream continuously throughout its entire length.