Worst. Episode. Ever
Oct. 16th, 2002 11:49 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
khaosworksUgh. That's all I can say. Worse than I imagined. Watch the episode first, and my thoughts will make sense. On second thought, spare yourself and don't watch it.
Thoughts as I watch...
"Starfleet didn't send us out here to humiliate ourselves!" Uh... way to say that when you're rubbing Jell-O on a beagle. The scene here's not very sexy, really - it's hard to be titillated when I'm focusing on how cute Porthos is... uh... let me rephrase that.
Porthos left all alone in the decon room. Awwww!
Written by Bermaga. Begin sinking feeling.
As much as I echo Archer's sentiments about getting back at the Kreetassans if their carelessness have hurt Porthos... overreacting, much? I mean, it's almost like declaring war on a country just because it tried to kill your Dad once... uh... let me rephrase that.
Porthos is just breaking my heart.
Okay, Archer's just being a jerk now. If my dog peed on a cultural treasure I can understand them being a little peeved. I'm convinced now that Bermaga should not be let near a word processor - Scott is too good an actor to wasted on the crap they write. "There are some things more important than plasma injectors." Yeah, but at this stage, what? Your ego? Get some goddamn perspective, will ya? "If anything happens to Porthos - I'll be the one watering their Alvira trees." Thank you for that image. Eww. How can you write such lousy dialogue without exacting the wrath of some god of good taste or something?
"The Denobulan lemur is much sought after. It's not a dog, but it's dog-like. It's got fur. A tail. Most have one head." Hee. Go Phlox. Billingsley rules. It's all in the delivery. Which is what puzzles me about Bakula, really. He used to be such a good actor.
Jeez, they really seem to be going out of their way to write Quantum as a complete dickhead. He's petulant, arrogant, refuses to apologize, intolerant of other species, competes with T'Pol on a treadmill... I mean, yeah, maybe they're trying to show that he's learning, but you don't have to write him down to build him up. You're tossing away every scrap of character development or maturity he might have built up over the past year. This Archer shouldn't even be in command of a toilet brush. Should his crew even respect him?
How do Kreetassans know about chainsaws?
"How long has it been since you were intimate with a woman?" Jeez, bite his head off, will you? It's a legitimate question coming from your Chief Medical Officer. Trust me, Quantum - the way you're acting right now, I've never seen a man more in need of a blowjob.
"For the past few months I've seen increasing friction between you and the Sub-Commander..." Huh? Not that I've noticed. In fact, since the latter part of Season 1 and Season 2 so far, they've been getting along swimmingly - which is what I like seeing, as it reminds me of the Kirk/Spock partnership. Does Bermaga even watch their own series' episodes?
Hoshi rules. No question.
Obvious dream sequence. Yawn. We've seen this before, guys, just with less skin. Try another one.
"Doing the breast I can." Anvil. "Send me your lips." BONG. Not even funny.
And I really don't care how much Quantum is on edge here, if I were Phlox I wouldn't cut him that much slack about him being so goddamn judgmental. Hey, maybe this entire sexual tension thing is Phlox playing a prank on Quantum just to torture him by subtly suggesting it to him. Yeah, that sounds appealing.
"He'll have the ability to blend into the background when frightened." Heh. Actually, the idea of a chameleon beagle is kind of funny. But obviously Quantum Dumbass here never passed biology - getting that ability because of a pituitary gland? Please.
You see, this is what I'm talking about. If the idea is to show Quantum growing, let him grow from the point we see him usually. To actually regress his character, as if he's learned nothing in the last year, is to insult our intelligence as well as derail the character. That's bad continuity, not to mention bad writing.
What's worse is that Bermaga obviously know that Quantum is being written like a buffoon - witness the comments by the other characters - so they're deliberately writing him like that. Why, in God's name? Why make your leading man a complete asshole?
Oh God. The dance. The dance! My eyes! My poor eyes!
Oh god, the "hypothetical-if-we-were-attracted-to-each-other" speech. How many cliches must be dredged up? Someone recommend me a hypnotherapist to wipe this episode from my mind.
Except for the bits about Porthos. He's so cute.
Grade: D - it misses an "F" only because of Porthos.
Thoughts as I watch...
"Starfleet didn't send us out here to humiliate ourselves!" Uh... way to say that when you're rubbing Jell-O on a beagle. The scene here's not very sexy, really - it's hard to be titillated when I'm focusing on how cute Porthos is... uh... let me rephrase that.
Porthos left all alone in the decon room. Awwww!
Written by Bermaga. Begin sinking feeling.
As much as I echo Archer's sentiments about getting back at the Kreetassans if their carelessness have hurt Porthos... overreacting, much? I mean, it's almost like declaring war on a country just because it tried to kill your Dad once... uh... let me rephrase that.
Porthos is just breaking my heart.
Okay, Archer's just being a jerk now. If my dog peed on a cultural treasure I can understand them being a little peeved. I'm convinced now that Bermaga should not be let near a word processor - Scott is too good an actor to wasted on the crap they write. "There are some things more important than plasma injectors." Yeah, but at this stage, what? Your ego? Get some goddamn perspective, will ya? "If anything happens to Porthos - I'll be the one watering their Alvira trees." Thank you for that image. Eww. How can you write such lousy dialogue without exacting the wrath of some god of good taste or something?
"The Denobulan lemur is much sought after. It's not a dog, but it's dog-like. It's got fur. A tail. Most have one head." Hee. Go Phlox. Billingsley rules. It's all in the delivery. Which is what puzzles me about Bakula, really. He used to be such a good actor.
Jeez, they really seem to be going out of their way to write Quantum as a complete dickhead. He's petulant, arrogant, refuses to apologize, intolerant of other species, competes with T'Pol on a treadmill... I mean, yeah, maybe they're trying to show that he's learning, but you don't have to write him down to build him up. You're tossing away every scrap of character development or maturity he might have built up over the past year. This Archer shouldn't even be in command of a toilet brush. Should his crew even respect him?
How do Kreetassans know about chainsaws?
"How long has it been since you were intimate with a woman?" Jeez, bite his head off, will you? It's a legitimate question coming from your Chief Medical Officer. Trust me, Quantum - the way you're acting right now, I've never seen a man more in need of a blowjob.
"For the past few months I've seen increasing friction between you and the Sub-Commander..." Huh? Not that I've noticed. In fact, since the latter part of Season 1 and Season 2 so far, they've been getting along swimmingly - which is what I like seeing, as it reminds me of the Kirk/Spock partnership. Does Bermaga even watch their own series' episodes?
Hoshi rules. No question.
Obvious dream sequence. Yawn. We've seen this before, guys, just with less skin. Try another one.
"Doing the breast I can." Anvil. "Send me your lips." BONG. Not even funny.
And I really don't care how much Quantum is on edge here, if I were Phlox I wouldn't cut him that much slack about him being so goddamn judgmental. Hey, maybe this entire sexual tension thing is Phlox playing a prank on Quantum just to torture him by subtly suggesting it to him. Yeah, that sounds appealing.
"He'll have the ability to blend into the background when frightened." Heh. Actually, the idea of a chameleon beagle is kind of funny. But obviously Quantum Dumbass here never passed biology - getting that ability because of a pituitary gland? Please.
You see, this is what I'm talking about. If the idea is to show Quantum growing, let him grow from the point we see him usually. To actually regress his character, as if he's learned nothing in the last year, is to insult our intelligence as well as derail the character. That's bad continuity, not to mention bad writing.
What's worse is that Bermaga obviously know that Quantum is being written like a buffoon - witness the comments by the other characters - so they're deliberately writing him like that. Why, in God's name? Why make your leading man a complete asshole?
Oh God. The dance. The dance! My eyes! My poor eyes!
Oh god, the "hypothetical-if-we-were-attracted-to-each-other" speech. How many cliches must be dredged up? Someone recommend me a hypnotherapist to wipe this episode from my mind.
Except for the bits about Porthos. He's so cute.
Grade: D - it misses an "F" only because of Porthos.
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Fantasy daydream sequence
Date: 2002-10-17 07:27 am (UTC)See, if Enterprise was being written by, say, J. Michael Straczynski, then this episode might actually make sense and be consistent as part of a larger story--namely, why the NX01 has never been mentioned before in the Trek universe before this series.
It would be the start of the explanation: how the captain, turned deranged (by all the time-travelling/stress of the job?) eventually trashed relations with every species they met (and even ones they hadn't, via their spreading bad reputation), and eventually destroyed the ship and all the records of it.
That's how in the future, the NCC1701 came to be thought of as the original Enterprise, Starfleet's disastrous subsequent meeting with the Klingons considered first contact, etc.
...If someone like JMS was writing the show, that is. Unfortunately, since the reality is Rick Berman and Brannon Braga, that won't be the case. Sure sounds like "Worst. Episode. Ever." to me, from your description.
(Is it bad enough to watch in a RHPS/MST3K way, or is it just SWHS/Highlander2 bad?)
no subject
Date: 2002-10-17 07:37 am (UTC)i have never been so happy to have TiVo
Date: 2002-10-17 01:42 pm (UTC)Porthos is the cutest beagle ever, i want one!
and Hoshi r0x0rs my s0x0rs :)
my .02, as it were
no subject
Date: 2002-10-18 09:32 am (UTC)They may not have specified chainsaws, they may just have specified slicing thin bits of tree, and Hoshi figured that was the most suitable tool. ... Just being Watsonian. :->
I agree, Archer was highly man-PMSy this episode, but it *is* kind of explained. I know John gets absotively unlivable when he's, ah, too frustrated. And not admitting it and just going off and dealing with it privately or something.
I really liked T'Pol coolly cutting him off right at the knees and avoiding teh WHOLE discussion while knowing exactly what's going on. She's such a diplomat. :->
Personally, between Porthos, T'Pol, and the Doctor, I give this one a solid B, with a bitchslap for writing Archer incredibly unsubtly while trying to get their point across.
On the other hand, things like this may be why ship's counselors became standard issue in later Fed ships.
no subject
Date: 2002-10-31 10:45 am (UTC)We've seen Archer deal with alien species over the last year, we've seen him make mistakes, fumble, but in none of these interactions did he seem completely as unreasonable and irrational as he did in this episode. We've even seen him admit to mistakes at the end of "Shockwave, Part II". One would imagine that, after one year, he would have learned some tolerance, some modicum of sense. One does not expect this petulant child - and, considering what he's experienced over the last year, this petulant child personality is implausible.
Archer in this episode was virtually ranting at his subordinates, which is so completely out of character for him given the careful way he tries to get closer to them over the past year with his Captain's breakfasts and casual manner on the bridge. This is also a man who's learned to deal with his Vulcan Science Officer as an almost equal, and the two have demonstrated (well, T'Pol - still the smartest - at least) the beginnings of being able to anticipate each others' moves and thinking much like Kirk and Spock used to do. Which makes Phlox's assertion about friction ring false, since that hasn't manifested itself since mid-last season... since "Fusion" in fact, where the two of them started to reach an understanding.
What I found annoying about the episode was Bermaga's completely unsubtle writing - that they knew full well how petulant and irrational Archer would be acting if they wrote him this way and they wrote it anyway in the face of all the character development and growth Archer should have undergone in the last year. And they did this precisely so our Grinch could learn his lesson. In other words, they were building up the psycho-Archer as a straw man easy for the rest of the characters to knock down.
Why this is a mistake is because Archer is not supposed to be a straw man. Archer is supposed to be the leading man - the Captain, and as a straw man he is not capable of holding the respect of the crew he is supposed to lead. This is not the man who Hoshi said of that she would give an earful to whoever bad mouthed Archer. This is the man who Hoshi smirks and gives significant glances to T'Pol about behind his back. This is the man who Phlox tolerates and patronizes. This is the man who even Trip treats like a six-year-old when he tries to explain why he doesn't feel comfortable with only four working plasma injectors. This also undermines any kind of respect or sympathy the audience has built up for Archer. It regresses the character to make a cheap point, and that's just low.
I'm not a Quantum booster (now there's a technbabble device for you), but I hate it when the writing is so transparent in its intentions - its bad intentions.
I will say, though, that even though it would have been just as painful to watch, "A Night In Sickbay" would have made more sense for Archer's character if it had been written early in the 1st season, prior to "Fusion", say.